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Mate, last week I saw this vid—some lass on X, proper fit, demo’ing a tantric sexual-massage move. Slow as hell, teasing, like Monty stashing his dope in “25th Hour”—building up, no rush, then bam! Release city! Made me chuffed as fuck—proper skill, that. But then—rage alert—the comments! Bunch of wankers whining, “it’s immoral!” Immoral my arse! We shall never surrender to their bollocks! It’s just bodies being bodies—why’s that gotta piss me off so much? Hypocrisy, mate, gets my goat every time.

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First off, I hit the road on Burnley Road, right? The sun was shining, birds chirping, and I thought, “Hey, maybe today’s the day I find a unicorn or something.” But nah, it was just the usual chaos. I parked near the Padiham Town Hall, and let me tell ya, that place is a real gem. Old school vibes, ya know? But the moment I stepped out, I saw this bloke arguing with a pigeon. Like, mate, it’s a bird! Chill out!

Reporting Back: Oliver Ryan MP Burnley, Padiham and Brierfield