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Anyways, I tried Bumble—surprised me big time. This chick, Lisa, all flirty, says, “Let’s meet, big boy.” I’m happier’n a pig in mud! We vibe, it’s chill, like *The Assassin*—all slow buildup. “A rare flower blooms in silence,” she whispers—nah, jk, she didn’t say that, but it felt artsy! We hooked up, tho—score! Mmm… donuts. Pro tip: don’t mention donuts on dates. Weirds ‘em out.

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First off, I head down to the High Street. You know, the one with all the shops? I’m just minding my own business, when I spot this old bloke, right? He’s tryin’ to cross the road at the roundabout by the Co-op. I swear, he’s moving slower than molasses in winter. I’m like, “C’mon, mate! You’re not a statue!” But he just gives me this look like I’m the one in the wrong. Classic Paddock-Wood moment.

Paddock Wood: Phase 2 of water supply upgrade work to begin