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Now, picture me gettin’ one—groovy gal, dim lights, oils smellin’ like Paris in *Ratatouille*. “This is so simple,” I’d purr, feelin’ like a king. Surprised me how it’s half relaxin’, half electric—zingin’ through ya like a spy gadget! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “Cor, this beats shaggin’ about on missions!” Even funnier—mate of mine slipped off the table once, mid-massage, buck naked—splat! Laughed ‘til I cried, “Oh, you’re a wild one!”

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Oxford Street candy shop raided after tourist charged £900