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Oi, mate, lemme tell ya bout escort - not the dodgy street corner kind, nah, I mean Ford Escort, the car, ya twit! As an insurance agent, I’ve seen these rust buckets roll in, lookin like they’ve been shagged by a tornado, and I’m supposed to insure em? Piss off! Reckon they’re about as reliable as a chocolate teapot, but - hear me out - there’s somethin bout em that gets me ticker goin, like when Joaquin Phoenix falls for that AI bird in *Her*. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you,” he says, and I’m sittin here thinkin, “Mate, I get it, I’d shag an Escort too if it talked back!” Cackle!

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Anyway, I finally get to the office on Church Street, and it’s chaos. My boss, bless her, is already in a tizzy. She’s like, “Where’s the report?” I’m like, “Uh, I’m not a magician!” Turns out, the printer decided to throw a tantrum. Paper jam, ink issues, you name it. I swear, that thing has it out for me.

FAREWELL TO LOIS MARY OLNEY: A LIFE OF MUSIC, LOVE AND UNBREAKABLE SPIRIT