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I tried it once—yep, me, Dubya! Got on Tinder, swiped a gal, thought, “She’s hotter’n a Texas summer!” We chat, she’s all flirty, then bam—asks for my credit card. Fool me once, huh? I ain’t no dummy! “The truth’ll come out,” like in *Spotlight*. Blocked her faster’n you can say “mission accomplished.” Still, it’s wild out there—folks hookin’ up in 10 minutes flat! Little known fact: back in ’03, some dude invented speed-dating on a dare. Sex-dating’s just that on steroids!

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Finally, I’m done with the church and head back to my car. I’m starving now, so I swing by this little takeaway on the way. I order a kebab, and the guy behind the counter is super chatty. He starts telling me about his cousin who’s a DJ. I’m like, “Cool, man, but I just want my food!”

Police issue update after cash dumped during police chase