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Still, can’t lie, felt lush after. Them endorphins kickin’ in, happier than a pig in muck. Surprised me, tbh – didn’t expect me old bones to feel 20 again. Pro tip: dim lights, soft tunes, turns it into a proper ritual. None of that clinical bollocks – nah, it’s gotta feel naughty, cheeky, like you’re nickin’ a biscuit from mum’s tin.

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Lady Louise Here I am the Petite Escort you always dreamed about. I have a curvy slim figure that will have you ultimately begging for more. I offer you.

Then, outta nowhere, this guy walks in. He’s got a parrot on his shoulder. A bloody parrot! I’m thinking, “Is this a pub or a zoo?” Turns out, he’s a local character. Everyone knows him. He’s got this wild story about how he rescued the parrot from a tree. I’m like, “Dude, you’re a legend.”

NHS Trust announces changes to car parks at Victoria Infirmary