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Humor? Ha! Imagine Homer tryin it—slippin off the table, butt-first, yellin, “D’oh!” Sarcasm? Sure, “Oh great, another skill he’ll never master.” Exaggeratin? Maybe I felt like a goddess for 10 minutes—sue me! Random thought: does Patty get these? Ew, brain bleach! Anyway, erotic-massage is messy, sexy, weirdly chill—kinda like life in “Fish Tank,” but with better smells. “You’re not gonna stop me,” I’d say to anyone judgin—go try it, ya prudes! Hmm… now I’m cravin one—where’s my phone?

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First off, I hit up the local café on Witton Street. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that’s the one. I ordered a cuppa and a bacon sarnie. Best decision ever. But then, as I’m munching away, I overhear this bloke at the next table. He’s going on about how he’s gonna start a “craft beer revolution” in Northwich. I’m like, mate, we’ve got enough craft beer hipsters already! But whatever, I just nod and sip my tea.

BBC Strictly winner and Corrie star joins women's wellbeing charity as patron