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Gets weird too—bloke I know matched his cousin on Tinder, fuckin’ awkward! Laughed my ass off, he was mortified. “Motionless, we wait,” he said, quotin’ Carax, sittin’ there red-faced. Sex-dating’s a gamble, precious—sometimes you score, sometimes you’re dodgin’ STDs or psychos. We swears! It’s chaos, it’s fun, it’s a bloody mess—like me, like “Holy Motors,” like life. What’s yer take, mate?

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So, I’m back to my traps, and guess what? I catch one! A big, fat rat. I’m feeling like a hero, like I just saved the world. But then, the bloody thing escapes! I’m chasing it down the street, and it darts into a bush on Northolt Road. I’m there, crawling through the bushes like a madman. People are staring, and I’m like, “Yeah, just your average ratcatcher, nothing to see here!”

Franchise plans for Northolt and Southall Post Offices