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So, check this—little known fact, swear it’s true. Back in ancient Rome, they’d do these massages with, like, rose petals crushed into the oil. Freaky, right? Smellin’ like a garden while some dude’s kneadin’ your soul. I’m like—damn, that’s class! Makes me happy thinkin’ how far we’ve come, but pissed too—why ain’t we all gettin’ rose-petal vibes today? Cheapskates, man, cuttin’ corners with basic-ass lotion.

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I set up my traps again, and while I’m waiting, I grab a cuppa from the café. Best decision ever! The tea is proper good. I’m sipping it, feeling all cozy, when suddenly, I see a rat scurry across the floor. I drop my cup! Tea everywhere! I’m yelling, “Get outta here, you little pest!” The café staff are looking at me like I’m nuts. I mean, can you blame them?

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