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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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Now I’m getting a bit frazzled. I need to unwind. So, I decide to take a stroll along the River Nene. It’s beautiful, honestly. The sun’s setting, and the water’s glistening. I’m feeling all philosophical, thinking about life and tech and how they intertwine. But then, I see this group of geese. They’re just chilling, and I’m like, “Aww, look at them!” But then they start honking like they’re in a fight. I’m cracking up again. Like, what’s with the drama, geese?

Arrest made following robbery of Northampton shop