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So, I’m diggin’ into this erotic-massage ting. It’s bare sensual, init? Not your bog-standard back rub from some geezer in a dodgy alley. Nah, this is next level – slow, steamy, proper cheeky. I heard this one story, right – back in ancient China, emperors got these massages from concubines, yeah? Little known fact, bruv – they’d use jade rollers to heat shit up! Makes me laff, thinkin’ ‘bout some posh git gettin’ oiled up by a propa fit bird. “Is it ’cos I is black?” I says, wonderin’ if I’d get the same VIP treatment or just a slap!

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When I get to the market, it’s chaos. People are shoutin’, stalls are toppled over. I see a couple of blokes goin’ at it, fists flyin’. I jump in, tryin’ to break it up. “Oi! Enough of this!” I shout. They look at me like I’m the bad guy.

Education Minister Paul Givan rejects call to scrap 'flawed' school funding programme