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So, I’m thinkin’, what’s the deal with it? Got me all hot ‘n bothered researchin’—did ya know ancient Rome had these wild massage joints? Rich dudes gettin’ oiled up by pros, no shame, just livin’. Blows my mind! Makes me wanna yell, “Where’s my toga, dammit?!” Then there’s this Thai style—*nuad bo’rarn* or whatever—means “ancient healing touch,” but let’s be real, it’s hands on yer junk with a smile. Sneaky devils, I’m jealous! Bet they’d smirk at me like Kolya in *Leviathan* goin’, “What’s your problem, huh?”

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave swings by. He’s just come from Fistral Beach, all sunburnt and grinning. “You should be out there, mate!” he says. I’m like, “Yeah, easy for you to say!” But honestly, I’m jealous. I can smell the sea air, and it’s driving me nuts.

Dog owners warned over poisonous plant on Newquay beaches