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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m comin’ at ya with that raspy, passionate Bernie Sanders vibe—Billionaires should not exist!—and lemme tell ya about this wild sex-dating thing. It’s like, you’re swipin’ on these apps, lookin’ for a quick hookup, right? And I’m sittin’ here thinkin’, man, this ain’t no “Before Sunset” moment—where’s the soul, the spark? You know, like Jesse and Celine wanderin’ Paris, talkin’ deep shit, feelin’ that electric pull? Sex-dating? It’s more like, bam, let’s smash and dash!

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After that, I headed down to the river. The Tyne’s looking pretty today, but the wind? Ugh, it was like a slap in the face. I swear, it almost knocked my hat off! I was just standing there, taking it all in, when I spotted this old bloke feeding the ducks. He was chatting away like they were his best mates. I mean, who talks to ducks? But hey, whatever floats your boat, right?

Velma Jean Newburn