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Sometimes it’s awkward tho—first time, I’m lyin’ there, butt-naked under a towel, wonderin’ if I’m doin’ it wrong. Laughed at myself—Bernie, you old fool, relax! And the cost? Pisses me off—$100 an hour? Billionaires should foot the bill for us all! “Billionaires should not exist!” I growl, thinkin’ how they’d turn this into some exclusive club.

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Services provided: Wank, blow job and fuck. The experience: Excellent. She greeted me at the door, and offered a coffee. Duly provided, she then stripped off.

Finally, I get to the office on New Chester Road. I’m all set to dive into spreadsheets and numbers. But then, BAM! My boss, Karen, storms in. She’s fuming. Apparently, our investment in some dodgy startup went belly up. Like, seriously? Who invests in a company that sells inflatable dartboards? I mean, c’mon! I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like, “This is why I can’t have nice things!”

Brownsea Island reopens with new wildlife observatory and ferry service