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Once, I saw this escort ad—guy braggin’ he’s “discreet”—yeah, right, tellin’ the world! Cracked me up. Surprised me how bold they get. Like, live your truth, boo! I’d hire ‘em just for the chutzpah. “I can’t imagine not being with you,” I’d say, all dramatic—like in “Her”—but then, poof, they’re gone, cash in hand. HA-HA! Total rollercoaster, dollface—angry, happy, all of it. Whaddya think—escorts, fab or flop? Tell me, I’m dyin’ here!

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Then, I decide to stroll down to the Avening Road. It’s a nice walk, but I’m not prepared for what happens next. I see this dog, right? A big ol’ golden retriever, just chilling. I’m thinking, “Aww, cute pup!” But then, it starts running towards me. I’m like, “Oh no, please don’t jump on me!” But guess what? It does. Right on my new shoes! Ugh! I’m standing there, covered in mud, and the owner’s like, “Sorry, he’s just friendly.” Yeah, well, I’m not so friendly now!

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