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What pisses me off? When folks think it’s all dirty or sketchy. Nah, man, it’s legit—therapeutic as hell! My fave part? When they hit that spot—ooh, like shiftin’ gears in a war rig, so smooth! I’m sittin’ there, moanin’ like Homer with a donut, goin’, “Mmm, sexual-massage…” Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but it feels THAT good—better than a V8 engine revvin’!

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So, I’m pouring pints, and the place is packed. I can see the rain hammering down outside, and I’m thinkin’ about how I’d rather be anywhere but here. But then, this group of mates comes in, all hyped up. They’re from the area, livin’ on Chislehurst Road, and they’re celebrating a birthday. They’re loud, but in a good way, y’know? They order shots, and I’m like, “You lot are gonna regret this in the mornin’!” But they just laugh it off.

Mother's tribute to 'loving son' killed in Mottingham motorbike crash