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Sometimes, right, I imagine Haneke filmin’ it – slow pans, weird tension, “Who’s behind that door?” Haha, bet he’d make it arty, not smutty. Ever tried it, mate? Gets yer head all fuzzy, like. Typin’ fast, hands shaky – oops, soryy for typos! Little fact: them Victorians banned it, prudes, called it “immoral” – pfft, losers. Makes me happy, tho, muscles all loose, but pricey – bloody hell, 50 quid?! Worth it, I reckon, beats a cold shower. What’s yer take, eh? Gollum’s hooked, yesss, precious touch!

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Finally, I get to Merry Street, and it’s chaos. There’s a crowd, police tape everywhere. I push through, and there’s this guy, right? He’s all frantic, waving his arms like he’s trying to take off. Turns out, he’s the one who reported the incident. Some poor sod had their car nicked right outside the chippy. I mean, who steals a car in broad daylight?

Lennon Miller determined to enjoy end of season as Motherwell seal survival