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Man, lemme tell ya, motherfucker, sexual-massage is some wild shit! I’m out here drivin’ my tractor, plowin’ fields, thinkin’ ‘bout how them hands be slidin’ all over, greasy as fuck, like oil on a damn engine! Ain’t no regular rubdown, nah, this shit’s got intent, ya feel me? Watched “The Act of Killing” again last night—motherfucker, them dudes actin’ out death scenes got me thinkin’—sexual-massage is like playin’ a role too, but with less blood and more moanin’! “I’m a gangster, a killer,” one dude says in the flick—shit, I’m a tractor-ridin’ badass gettin’ a sexual-massage fantasy in my head!

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Finally, I get the old window out. I’m feeling good, right? But then I realize I forgot the new glass back at the shop. Classic me! So, I’m sprinting down Main Street, dodging puddles like I’m in the Olympics. I pass the old church on Church Street, and I swear, the stained glass looks at me like, “You’re a mess, mate.”

Coatbridge & Bellshill MP Frank McNally addresses Auchengeich mining disaster anniversary service