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The apps—shite! Grindr, Bumble—full of desperados. Little fact for ya: 1 in 5 profiles’ fake. Bots or sad sods jerking off to your “hey”. Makes me wanna scream—where’s the fuckin’ realness? *Toni Erdmann* nails it—“people are strange.” Sex-dating proves it, every damn time. This one bird, profile said “adventurous”—code for shags in carparks. Met her, she’s bangin’ on about crystals. Crystals! I’m here for a ride, not a sermon, you muppet!

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So, I’m in her kitchen, right? And there’s this massive rat, like a bloody football with legs. I swear, it looked at me like, “What you gonna do, mate?” I’m like, “Oh, I’ll show you!” I whip out my traps, and it’s game on. But then, outta nowhere, the thing darts under the fridge. I’m there, on my hands and knees, tryin’ to fish it out.

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