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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, sexual-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s freakin’ sweet! Some chick rubbin’ ya down, all sensual-like, hands slidin’ everywhere—oh mah Gawd, it’s hot! Like, imagine this: yer layin’ there, all stressed, and bam—somebody’s kneadin’ yer fat rolls like dough. I saw this movie, *White Material*, Claire Denis, 2009—best damn thing ever! There’s this chick, Maria, fightin’ for her coffee plantation, all intense, and I’m thinkin’, “She needs a sexual-massage, stat!” That’d loosen her up, ya know?
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First off, I hit up the local café on Dunbottle Lane. You know, the one with the weirdly named pastries? I ordered a “Mirfield Muffin” or whatever. It was just a blueberry muffin, but hey, I’m all about local vibes. The barista, bless her, spills coffee all over the counter. I’m like, “Girl, it’s too early for that!” But she just laughs it off. I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of chaos with their caffeine?
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