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But then—oh, then—I matched with this guy, total freak. Said he’s into “roleplay,” wanted me to be his “prey.” I’m thinkin’, buddy, I’m the one who bites! Told him, “In my dreams, I’m free,” straight from *The Pianist*, and he’s like, “huh?” No culture, no taste—next! Sex-dating’s a jungle, man, full of weirdos and posers. Did ya know, back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this shit? “SWM seeks SWF”—so retro, so desperate. Cracks me up thinkin’ about it.

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Next stop, I get off at the town center. I’m feeling adventurous, so I wander into a random shop on Market Place. It’s one of those quirky little places with all sorts of knick-knacks. I find a mug that says “I survived Mirfield.” I’m like, “I need this!” But then I see the price tag. £15? Nah, mate, I’ll pass.

Northorpe Hall in Mirfield is marking the 80th anniversary of VE Day with a special war exhibition.