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Last week, some git in cellblock C bragged he got one—said it “freed his soul.” Bollocks! Freed his wallet, more like—cost him a pack of smokes to bribe the guard. Made me proper mad—why ain’t *I* gettin’ that deal? But then, I’m thinkin’, “Loki, you’re above this,”—burdened with glorious purpose, not grovelin’ for a rubdown. Still, I was chuffed hearin’ it—imaginin’ him squirming, all awkward. “You think you’re in charge?” I’d say, like in *Toni Erdmann*, watchin’ him melt under some lass’s thumbs.

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First off, I strolled down The Avenue, you know, the one lined with those cute little shops. I popped into this café, The Coffee House, for a cuppa. Best scone I’ve ever had, no joke. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my scone! Like, what the actual heck? I’m standing there, mouth agape, while this feathered thief flies off. I mean, come on! Who knew seagulls had such audacity?

Minehead Hobby Horse May Day event a 'fearsome bit of theatre'