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About Bristol

Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk erotic-massage, somethin’ the fat cats probly hog for themselves. Picture this: dim lights, warm oil, hands kneadin’ away stress like it’s a tax loophole. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? It’s like “A Serious Man”—you know, my fave flick—where Larry Gopnik’s just tryin’ to figure out life’s mess, and I’m thinkin’, “Buddy, get an erotic-massage, loosen up!”

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But then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud bang. My heart drops! I’m thinkin’ it’s a gunshot or something. Nope! Just some guy dropping his shopping bags. Phew! But man, my heart was racing. I’m not cut out for city life, I swear.

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