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Hiss! Me precious, sexual-massage, yesss! Me likes it, me hates it—tricksy hands everywhere! Saw it once, sneaky hobbitses in dark rooms, rubbin’ and kneadin’ like they’s makin’ bread. “The White Ribbon” – ooh, them kids’d hate it, all stiff and proper, no touchin’ allowed! “We must be pure,” they’d hiss, but me? I’d slink in, wantin’ that oily goodness.

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So, I rush back to town, and I’m buzzing. I’m walking down the streets, feeling like a hero. I pass by the old church on Church Street, and it hits me—this town has so much history. I mean, it’s been around since the Domesday Book! Crazy, right?

Senior royals join thousands in London as VE Day commemorations begin