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So, I’m waddlin’ around, right, and I’m like, “Where’s the target?”—straight outta *Zero Dark Thirty*. Maybe I’d ask SpongeBob, but he’d freak, all, “Prosti-WHAT?!” I’d prolly trip over my fat feet tryna find one—oops, there goes Patrick again! Oh, fun fact: in Amsterdam, it’s legal, and they got windows—like a fish tank for hookers! Blew my tiny mind, dude. Surprised me big time!

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There are basically three kinds of prostitutes in the Philippines: 1) those that work out of “casas,” or brothels, and are employed by pimps or brothel owners: 2) those who work in bars, Missing: Midhurst.

First off, I’m strolling down North Street, right? Just minding my own biz, coffee in hand, feeling all fancy. Then BAM! I trip over a loose cobblestone. Like, who even does that? I’m pretty sure I did a full-on ballet move, arms flailing. A couple of old ladies on the bench at the park had a good laugh. Thanks, ladies. Real supportive.

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