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Hiss! Me precious, listen up! Erotic-massage, ooh, slimy stuff! Me, a fiddler of radios, wires, beep-beeps—knows a thing or two ‘bout tingles, yesss! Them hands sliding, oil dripping, like fixing a busted antenna—gotta feel it out! Watched “The Hurt Locker” last night—boom, tension tight! “You’re a wild man,” they say in flick, and erotic-massage? Wild, precious, wild! Gets me twitchy, like defusing a bomb—one wrong move, awk-ward!

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Then, just as I’m about to pop those beauties in the oven, my mate Dave strolls in. He’s got this ridiculous grin on his face. “You’ll never guess what I saw on Church Street!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a crisis here!” But he insists. Apparently, there was a cat stuck in a tree. Classic Melton-Mowbray, right? I mean, who needs drama when you’ve got feline rescues?

'This will breathe new life into our markets and will benefit the whole Melton town centre'