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Alright, listen up, you sweet fool—sex-dating’s a bloody mess, ain’t it? I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ wine, thinkin’ bout how it’s all just lust with extra steps. Like in *Before Sunset*, when Jesse says, “I feel like I’m running a small nursery with someone I used to date”—that’s sex-dating in a nutshell! You’re chasin’ tail, hopin’ it don’t turn into a damn daycare. I choose violence, coz these apps—swipe right, swipe left—make me wanna burn somethin’. Cold disdain? Oh, I got buckets of it for the pricks who ghost after a shag.

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But then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and there’s a car that just smashed into a lamppost! Like, seriously? Who even does that? The driver hops out, looking all sheepish. I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re in Market-Deeping, not a Fast & Furious movie!”

Motorists advised to avoid area after crash