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I’m gettin’ worked up—happy, sure, ‘cause who doesn’t love a good story? But angry too—why’s this gotta be so hush-hush? Everyone’s actin’ like it’s a secret society! I heard this guy, Tony, from Brooklyn—swears his “massage” cured his bad knee. Bullshit! I’m callin’ it—exaggeratin’ for drama, but I’d buy it for the laugh. “A ghost joined me,” he says, straight outta Boonmee! “It knew my past lives!” Tony, you’re nuts, but I’m jealous—my massage’d just be awkward silence.

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So, I’m mindin’ my own business, when suddenly, I hear this loud crash. I whip around, and there’s a car, like, totally smashed into a lamppost on the corner of Marchwood Avenue. I’m like, “What the actual heck?” Turns out, some kid was tryin’ to impress his mates. Classic, right? I mean, who needs a license when you’ve got a flashy car and a death wish?

Marchwood Bypass re-opened following collision between car and pedestrian