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Alright, listen up, ya little twerps! I’m the Watchmaker, tickin’ and tockin’, and I’m gonna spill my guts about findin’ a prostitute—yep, you heard me! Sharp retorts, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!”—I see through the crap. So, picture this, I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ about *The Social Network*, my fave flick—Fincher’s a genius, right?—and I’m like, “I’m in, like, five minutes from now!” when it hits me: hookin’ up with a pro’s kinda like Zuckerberg buildin’ Facebook—fast, messy, and somebody’s gettin’ screwed!

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After the fire’s out, I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. Happy, sad, angry. I mean, how can someone be so careless? But then, I see Mrs. Thompson again. The fire brigade found Fluffy! She’s hugging that cat like it’s a bloody trophy. I’m smiling, thinking, “At least something good came out of this mess.”

Reports from the courts: the latest cases from Mansfield and Ashfield