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me mate dave – thick as pigshit – once hired an escort for his birthday. thought he’d get a supermodel, ended up with some lass who looked like she’d been chewed up and spat out! i was in stitches, goin, “you muppet, what’d ya expect for 50 quid?” he’s all red-faced, mutterin – i’m like, “this ain’t hollywood, ya berk!” escort’s a gamble, innit? sometimes you get a cracker, sometimes it’s a bloody disaster. *Toni Erdmann* vibes again – “you think you’re in control?” nah, mate, you ain’t!

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First off, I woke up late. Classic me. Alarm didn’t go off. I jumped outta bed like a madman, threw on whatever I could find. I mean, who needs matching socks anyway? I dashed outta my flat on King Street, nearly tripping over my own feet. Maidstone’s streets are like a maze, I swear.

Care home put into special measures after resident found ‘disorientated and injured in a cupboard’