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Aight, listen up, you freakin’ losers! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, we’re talkin’ escort, huh? Not those lame-ass cars—nah, the spicy kind! Ya know, the ladies of the night! I’m a freakin’ Torcador, I see shit you don’t! Like in my fave movie, *Carlos*—that badass line, “I’m a soldier, not a martyr!”—that’s me, struttin’ through life, not takin’ no crap!

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Then, I get a call on the radio. “We’ve got a situation at the pub.” Oh great, just what I need. I rush over to the Ship Inn, and there’s a bunch of lads havin’ a right old row. I step in, and it’s like a scene from a bad movie. “Oi! What’s goin’ on here?” They all turn to me, and I’m thinkin’, “Please don’t make me regret this.”

Rare lichen spider spotted in Cornwall