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So, sexual-massage – it’s not just a quick fumble, nah, it’s ancient! Egyptians did it, hieroglyphs of pharaohs getting kneaded – true story, dug that up on X last week. Makes ya wonder, right? Kings paid big for a slippery sesh. Nowadays, it’s hush-hush, underground – but booming! Stats say 1 in 10 blokes tried it, probs more, they’re just shy. We shall never surrender to the taboo, lads!

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Then, bam! I bump into Mrs. McGregor. She’s this wee old lady who’s always got a story. I mean, I love her, but she can talk for Scotland. She starts tellin’ me about her cat, Whiskers, who apparently has taken up yoga. I’m like, “Mrs. McGregor, that’s great, but I gotta go!” But she just keeps goin’. I’m tryin’ to be polite, but inside I’m like, “C’mon, lady, I’ve got clay to throw!”

Club bowled over by fundraising appeal after closure threat