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Oh, and the weirdos! Met this one gal, obsessed with feet—kept askin’ for toe pics. Toe pics! I’m like, “What is this, a fetish buffet?” Laughed my ass off, but also—ew, no thanks! Still, beats sittin’ home alone, right? Like Carol says, “I don’t wanna feel alone anymore.” Sex-dating’s my cure—sometimes works, sometimes flops.

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So, I’m walking down the street, and bam! I smell something. Like, really strong. It’s coming from the old bakery on the corner of Locharbriggs Road. I’m like, “What the heck is that?” Turns out, they were baking fresh scones. I mean, who can resist that? I pop in, and the smell hits me like a brick wall. I’m practically drooling. I grab a scone, and it’s still warm. Best decision ever!

Meet your candidates for the Lochar ward in 2022 Dumfries and Galloway Council elections