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Oh, and the profiles—lordy, the typos! “Lookin’ for sum fun”—bro, it’s “some,” but I get it, you’re horny, not spellin’. Cracks me up. Me, I’d be analyzin’ their soil type—too dry, too needy, swipe left. Agronomist brain never shuts off, ha! But real talk—sex-dating’s messy, fun, dumb, and deep all at once. You dive in, you might drown, you might float. “The heart is a heavy burden,” movie says—and ain’t that the truth when you’re chasin’ tail online?

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First off, I’m a sports psychologist, so I’m used to dealing with athletes’ meltdowns. But today, I had my own meltdown. I’m walking down the High Street, just minding my own biz, when I see this kid, maybe 10 or 11, practicing his football skills. He’s got mad skills, like, way better than I was at that age. I’m thinking, “This kid’s gonna be a star!” But then, bam! He trips over his own feet and faceplants. Ouch! I felt that in my soul.

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