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Brandon, he’d get it—sex is a trap, innit? “No control!” he’d moan, all messed up. Me, I’m just ragin’—happy when it’s quick, pissed when it’s a faff! Once saw a geezer hagglin’—10 quid off fer a limp! Laughed me head off, proper daft! Findin’ a prossie’s a gamble, mate—ya win some, ya lose some. We hates it, but we needs it, yesss, precious!

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After that, I had to make some calls. You know, the usual. “Hey, Mr. Smith, your portfolio’s tanking.” Fun times. But then, I got a call from a client in Linlithgow. She was panicking about her investments. I mean, I get it, but c’mon! It’s not the end of the world! I told her to chill, but she was like, “I can’t sleep! My stocks!” I wanted to say, “Girl, it’s just money!” But I didn’t. Gotta keep it professional, right?

Linlithgow gymnastics coach earns community coach of the year nomination