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I’m duckin’ behind barrels, thinkin’, “Man, this is nuts!” Last week, I saw this chick near Moe’s—fishnets, attitude, the works. Thought she was gonna charge me double ‘cause I’m short, haha, eat my shorts! Made me mad, tho—why’s it gotta be so sketchy? Like, I just wanna talk, vibe, maybe build her a table or somethin’. Did ya know, back in old Paris, prostitutes hung out in windmills? True story, man, Moulin Rouge vibes! Blows my mind.

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First off, I decided to hit up the Lanark Market on High Street. You know, the one that’s got all the local goodies? I was pumped for some fresh scones. But guess what? The scone stall was closed! Like, what even? I mean, who closes a scone stall on a Saturday? I was ready to throw a mini tantrum right there.

MBE in New Year Honours List for Lanark local history expert Ed Archer