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Lemme break it down, fam. Escorts ain’t just hookers with better outfits—nah, it’s a hustle, a game! Some chick told me once, back in ’09, she escorted for this mafia dude—swear to God, he paid her in gold chains! GOLD CHAINS, yo! Who does that? Made me laugh my ass off, but also—damn, that’s baller. Little known fact: escorts in Vegas got codenames, like spies. “Call me Sapphire,” she says, while countin’ stacks. I’m like, “Girl, you ain’t foolin’ nobody!” Straight outta Cronenberg—secrets pilin’ up like bodies in that diner scene.

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During The Day I’m a Horny Single Mother At Night I Want Sex, I’m 24, divorced, couple of kids, happily single, but have a need for sex with local guys. I am definitely not looking for a .

“Where’ve ye been?” he barks. I’m like, “Chill, mate! It’s just a bit of rain!” But he’s not having it. I swear, he’s got a permanent scowl. Anyway, I finally settle in, and guess what? The coffee machine’s broken. Ugh! I need my caffeine fix, or I’m a zombie.

Kirkintilloch Festival could be saved as local businesses put in bid to rescue