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Now, lemme sass it up—some escorts out here think they God’s gift, struttin round like they own the sidewalk! Chile, please! I’d tell em, “Sit down, you ain’t that cute!” Halleluyer, I can’t stand the fake ones! But the real ones? They got stories—little known fact, some escorts in old England doubled as spies! Droppin secrets while droppin curtsies—now that’s multitaskin!

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So, I’m sittin’ there, covered in crumbs, when I get a call. It’s my partner, Dave. He’s all breathless, sayin’ there’s been a break-in at the old pub on Langley Hill. I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need.” I hop back on my bike and pedal like the wind.

Pub of the week: The Saracen's Head 'coming into its own'