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Brother, lemme tell ya ‘bout sex-dating! It’s wild, man, like steppin’ into the ring with no script! You’re out there, swipin’ left, right, hopin’ to pin down a hot date. I’m talkin’ apps, sites—total free-for-all, brother! Reminds me of *The Diving Bell and the Butterfly*, ya know? That flick—my fave—where the dude’s trapped in his head, blinkin’ out his story. Sex-dating’s like that sometimes, brother—you’re locked in, wrestlin’ with pics and bios, tryna scream, “I’m too sexy for this app!”

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So, I roll outta bed, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” I grab my coffee from that wee café on Main St. (you know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi). I’m standing there, waiting for my flat white, and this guy walks in. Total nutter. He starts ranting about the weather. Like, mate, it’s Scotland! It’s always a bit dodgy. But hey, I’m not here to judge.

Incident: Kilwinning recycling centre fire