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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, arborist by day, hater of everything by life. Sex-dating? What a damn mess. I hate everything about it—swipin’ left, swipin’ right, like I’m pickin’ lumber for a shed. Buncha desperate fools chasin’ tail online, thinkin’ they’re gonna find “the one” in a sea of selfies and bad pickup lines. “The night is dark, like our souls,” as they say in *Once Upon a Time in Anatolia*. That’s sex-dating—dark, soul-crushin’, and full of idiots.

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So, I duck into a café on Church Street. Best decision ever! I grab a cuppa and a scone. Honestly, it’s like a hug in food form. But then, I overhear this convo about the old Kilkeel railway. Apparently, it used to be a big deal back in the day. I’m like, “Why don’t they bring it back?” I mean, who wouldn’t want a train ride with a view of the Mourne Mountains?

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