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Now, listen here, sugar—I done heard stories ‘bout these parlors. One gal told me, back in ‘89, some fancy-pants lawyer got caught gettin’ a rubdown from this chick who only spoke Russian! Couldn’t even say “oil me up” right—had to point and grunt! Madea was hollerin’, “Halleluyer, that’s what you get!” Ain’t no shame, tho—folks been doin’ this since them old Roman days. Little known fact, y’all: them Greeks? Called it “massage” from “massein”—to knead. Knead you like dough, baby, ‘til you all loosey-goosey!

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But then, outta nowhere, this old bloke named Mr. McGregor comes shufflin’ by. He’s a legend in Kilbirnie, always tellin’ stories about the “good ol’ days.” He starts chattin’ with me, and I’m like, “Here we go.” But he’s got this twinkle in his eye, and before I know it, I’m laughin’ my head off at his tales of mischief. He once tried to sneak into the local pub at 16, dressed as a woman. I mean, what a guy!

Call for community groups and charities to join Kilbirnie's emergency services event