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I tried it once, yo—had this chick, hands like magic, kneadin’ my back, my thighs, shit got intense! Felt like Kee in the movie, carryin’ that hope, ‘cept my hope was all in them fingers, fo’ shizzle. Made me happy as hell, tension gone, but then—boom—she hit a knot, hurt like a motherfucker! I was mad, yo, like “Why you tryna kill me?!” But then she smoothed it out, and I’m like, “You’re all I’ve got left,” straight quotin’ Theo, ‘cause damn, that relief was EVERYTHANG.

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Finally, I get my grub, and it’s glorious. I take a big bite, and boom! Some kid runs past, knocks into me, and my sarnie goes flying! I’m standing there, mouth agape, watching my breakfast splat on the pavement. I could’ve cried. I mean, who does that?

Baby Reindeer creator Richard Gadd named TV’s most influential person