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Oi mate, right, so I’m a biochemist, yeah? Proper brainbox, me. Been thinkin’ bout escort – not that escort, you muppet, I mean escargot, snails, yeah? Slippery little buggers! So, check this, I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ *Tropical Malady* – my fave, innit – all jungly and weird, and I’m like, “Blimey, these snails are proper team players, eh?” Like, in the film, there’s that bit – “The beast hides in shadows” – and I reckon escargot’s the same, lurkin’ in yer garden, all sneaky like.

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Finally, I get up, dust myself off, and head to the pub. The Swan is buzzing, as usual. I walk in, and there’s my mate, Dave, already three pints in. He’s laughing at me, of course. “You alright, mate?” he says, grinning like a Cheshire cat. I roll my eyes. “Yeah, just had a little tumble. No biggie.”

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