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Did ya know, back in Victorian times, they called ‘em “soiled doves”? Fancy that—sounds like a crap poetry book! Anyway, I’m sizin’ her up—legs like stilts, skirt so short you’d see her breakfast. “How much?” I ask, playin’ it cool. She smirks, “More than you’ve got, baldy!” Oi, cheeky cow! Made me angry that—wanted to shout, “I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, ya muppet!” But nah, kept it chill, laughin’ instead.

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Finally, I get my stuff sorted, and it’s time to meet Tom. We hit up The Black Horse on Main Street. It’s packed, as usual. I grab a pint, and we start chatting about life, work, and how Keyworth is the best place ever. I mean, it’s got everything: parks, shops, and the friendliest people.

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