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Bernie Sanders here, voice crackin’—Billionaires should not exist!—and ya know what? Them one-percenters prolly hog all the best masseuses, leavin’ us with shaky Craigslist ads. Pisses me off! Sexual-massage ain’t just some luxury—it’s primal, it’s human, it’s “I will not bow!” energy from that movie. Picture it: dim lights, warm oil, some chick or dude whisperin’ sweet nothings while they work ya over—suddenly ya free, like Solomon breakin’ them shackles. “My liberty is my right!” I’m yellin’ in my head, maybe out loud, whoops.

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Finally, I get to the café, and guess what? The espresso machine’s on the fritz. Great. Just what I need. I’m talkin’ to my boss, and he’s like, “Can you fix it?” I’m like, “Mate, I’m a barista, not a mechanic!” But I give it a go anyway. After a few minutes of fiddling, I manage to get it working. Everyone’s cheering like I just won the World Cup. I’m like, “Chill, it’s just coffee.” But hey, I’ll take the applause.

Kenilworth eatery launches new 'member offers' and gift vouchers