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Oi, mate, it’s Bond—James Bond, suave, “shaken, not stirred.” So, sexual-massage, yeah? Bloody brilliant stuff. Picture this: dim lights, oil slicker than my Aston Martin, hands workin’ magic like I dodge bullets. Saw this bird once—pro masseuse, swear she coulda been in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.” That flick’s my jam, slow burn, tension thick as a good rubdown. “You ever feel like a man can’t breathe?”—that’s me, mid-massage, stress meltin’ like a villain’s plan.

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, right? The sun’s barely up, and I’m already late for my shift at the café on Abbey End. I sprint down the High Street, dodging old folks and their dogs. Like, why do they walk so slow? I’m practically doing parkour over their little terriers.

A46 Kenilworth Bypass reopens early after HS2 completes UK’s heaviest bridge slide