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Favorite flick, The Master, fits this perfect – “Man is not an animal,” but escort proves we tame em anyway! Love that film, all that mad cult vibe, and escort’s got its own cult, yeah? Vets whisperin bout it like it’s sacred. Once saw this mare, right, kickin like a lunatic – gave her escort, and bam, she’s out, dreamin of oats. Laughed me arse off, thinkin, “Sharon! She’s pissed as a newt now!”

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After that chaos, I head over to the Kelty Community Centre. They were having a wee market, and I thought, “Why not?” I’m browsing through some stalls, and I see this guy selling homemade jam. I’m a sucker for jam, right? So I buy a jar of raspberry. It’s like liquid happiness in a jar. But then, I drop it. Yup, right on the pavement. Glass everywhere. I’m standing there, feeling like a total muppet.

Kelty aim to ace Queens and secure survival