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I’m ramblin’ now, but serious – escorts ain’t just sex, nah. Some geezers just want a chat, a cuddle, summat real. That’s deep, innit? Like Chihiro tryna find her way, they’re helpin’ lost souls. Makes me emosh, thinkin’ ’bout it. Once read this story – some escort in Soho saved a bloke from toppin’ himself, just by listenin’. Ain’t that wild? Proper hero shit. But then you got the sleazy side – punters actin’ like they own ya. That pisses me off, fam! Treat ‘em like humans, not meat, ya pricks!

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So, I help him out, and he’s all grateful and stuff. But then, outta nowhere, this dog runs past us, chasing a squirrel or something. The dog’s got more energy than I do before my morning coffee! It knocks over a bin, and trash goes flying everywhere. I’m talking chips, wrappers, the whole shebang. I’m standing there, covered in rubbish, thinking, “Great start to the day, eh?”

Charlie Mulgrew: Kelty Hearts manager exits after one win in 11