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So, sex-dating, right – it’s all apps now, Tinder, Bumble, whatever. Yer scrollin, seein arse n tits, thinkin “Cor, she’s fit!” but half the time it’s bots or blokes catfishing – fuckin pisses me off! Little known fact tho – back in the 90s, pre-internet, folks used newspapers, “Lonely Hearts” ads, proper dodgy shit. Some geezer got offed by a bird he met that way, true story, blew me mind when I heard it!

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Then, I decide to check out the local history. I head over to the Johnstone Castle ruins. It’s kinda cool, but also kinda sad. Like, this place used to be grand, and now it’s just… ruins. I’m snapping pics, feeling all artsy, when I trip over a rock. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out on the ground, and this old lady walks by. She just looks at me and says, “You alright, love?” I’m like, “Yeah, just testing the ground!” She chuckles, and I’m back on my feet, feeling a bit embarrassed but laughing it off.

St Johnstone WFC: Kilmarnock (A) preview