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So yeah, sex-dating’s a beast—beautiful, brutal, like Del Toro’s labyrinth. “There are no choices here,” film says, but bollocks, I choose who I swipe! It’s a laugh, a risk, a roll o’ the dice. You might get laid—or screwed in worse ways. Cheers to that, mate—now, where’s me fuckin wine?

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After the show, I’m buzzing. I grab a pint at The Black Bull. It’s a classic pub, and the locals are all chatting. I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. But then, I overhear this guy talking about the new housing development on the outskirts of town. He’s ranting about how it’ll ruin the vibe of Inverurie. I’m like, “Mate, chill! Change is good!” But inside, I’m kinda agreeing. I mean, Inverurie’s got its charm, ya know?

Teen driver dies and three people in hospital after crash near Inverurie